Why Do Little Things Bother Me So Much?

Have you ever had something relatively small happen and found yourself thinking about it for the rest of the day?

Maybe your spouse made a comment that bothered you. Someone didn't respond to your text. Your boss gave you some feedback. A friend seemed a little distant. Someone's tone of voice seemed different. Plans changed at the last minute.

Then you start wondering, Why is this bothering me so much?

Sometimes we know our reaction seems bigger than what actually happened. We may even get frustrated with ourselves.

Why can't I just let this go?

Why am I overthinking this?

Why does this bother me when it probably wouldn't bother someone else?

Usually, there's more going on than the situation itself.

Sometimes the Little Thing Isn't Really the Little Thing

Our reactions to things happening today are influenced by what we've learned from experiences throughout our lives.

For example, imagine your boss points out a mistake you made.

You know it's a relatively minor mistake. Your boss isn't angry. Nobody is getting fired. Logically, you know you're probably fine.

But you don't feel fine.

You start replaying the conversation. You wonder what your boss thinks about you. You worry that you're not doing a good enough job. Maybe you're still thinking about it when you're trying to fall asleep that night.

Why would something so small have that much power?

It may be because, somewhere along the way, your brain learned that making mistakes means something more.

Maybe mistakes brought criticism when you were younger. Maybe you felt pressure to perform well. Maybe disappointing someone felt especially uncomfortable. Maybe you learned that being successful, responsible, or getting things right was important to feeling accepted.

You probably aren't consciously thinking about any of this when your boss corrects you.

You just feel anxious.

But when we understand what that moment means to you emotionally, your reaction often starts making a lot more sense.

Our Reactions Usually Make Sense When We Understand the Whole Story

One of the things I encourage people to do in therapy is become curious about their reactions rather than immediately judging them.

Instead of asking:

"What's wrong with me?"

Try asking:

"Why might this make sense to me?"

Suppose your spouse seems irritated with you and you immediately become anxious.

You start asking what's wrong. You replay what you said earlier. You wonder whether they're mad at you. You may even start apologizing when you're not really sure what you're apologizing for.

Maybe you've learned that when someone you care about is upset, you need to fix it.

Where did you learn that?

Perhaps conflict wasn't handled particularly well in your family. Maybe someone withdrew affection when they were angry. Maybe you became good at reading the room and figuring out how everyone else was feeling.

Your adult mind might know, My spouse can be irritated with me and our relationship is still okay.

But emotionally, you may have learned something very different:

When someone I care about is upset with me, something bad is going to happen.

When we understand that, the reaction doesn't seem quite so strange anymore.

Worry Is Sometimes Trying to Protect Us

We usually think of worrying as the problem.

Sometimes it is. But it's also worth asking what the worrying is trying to do.

Worry can actually be a way of protecting ourselves from emotions that feel more difficult to experience.

Think about someone you care about becoming distant.

Your mind may immediately get busy:

Did I do something wrong?

Are they upset with me?

Should I text them?

Maybe I shouldn't text them.

What if they're tired of me?

What if something is wrong?

You can spend hours thinking about it.

But underneath all of that thinking might be a much simpler feeling:

I'm hurt.

Or:

I'm afraid this person might leave me.

Or:

I'm angry about how they're treating me.

Worry gives our minds something to do. It keeps us analyzing, predicting, planning, and trying to figure things out.

And sometimes staying busy in our heads is easier than feeling what's underneath.

We All Develop Ways to Protect Ourselves From Difficult Feelings

We don't usually decide to do this consciously.

Over time, we develop ways of protecting ourselves from emotions that feel uncomfortable, overwhelming, or unsafe. In therapy, we sometimes refer to these patterns as defenses.

Defenses aren't necessarily bad. In many cases, they developed for a reason.

Worrying can be a defense.

Overthinking can be a defense.

Avoiding things can be a defense.

People pleasing can be a defense.

Perfectionism can be a defense.

Shutting down can be a defense.

Constantly staying busy can be a defense.

Even trying to make everyone around you happy can protect you from having to experience conflict, rejection, guilt, anger, or disappointment.

These strategies may help us feel better temporarily. The problem comes when they prevent us from recognizing and dealing with what we're actually feeling.

What Might Be Underneath the Reaction?

When we slow things down, we often discover emotions underneath the anxiety or worry.

Maybe you're sad.

Maybe you're angry.

Maybe you're scared.

Maybe you feel hurt.

Maybe you feel rejected.

Maybe you're disappointed.

Maybe you're grieving something you wish had been different.

Sometimes people are surprised by what they find.

Someone who believes they have an "anger problem" may discover there's actually a tremendous amount of hurt underneath the anger.

Someone who worries constantly about whether other people are upset with them may discover how afraid they are of rejection.

Someone who becomes extremely anxious after criticism may begin to recognize how much shame they experience when they believe they've disappointed someone.

The goal isn't to get rid of these emotions. It's to understand them and learn how to experience and process them rather than automatically protecting ourselves from them.

Try Getting Curious Instead of Critical

The next time something small creates a surprisingly big reaction, notice what happens if you don't immediately tell yourself you're overreacting.

Instead, get curious.

What happened?

What did I immediately start thinking or worrying about?

What am I afraid this might mean?

What am I doing right now to make this feeling go away?

And then one of my favorite questions:

If I wasn't worrying or overthinking this right now, what might I actually be feeling?

You don't have to come up with the perfect answer.

The point is simply to slow things down enough to notice that there may be more happening emotionally than you initially realized.

Therapy Can Help Us Understand Why These Patterns Developed

Therapy can certainly help us learn skills for managing anxiety and strong emotions.

But sometimes coping skills aren't the whole answer.

We also need to understand why certain situations affect us so strongly in the first place.

What does criticism mean to you?

Why does disappointing someone feel so uncomfortable?

Why is conflict so difficult?

Why does rejection feel unbearable?

Why do you feel responsible for other people's emotions?

Why does making a mistake create so much anxiety?

When we understand what we've learned from our previous experiences, our current reactions often begin to make much more sense.

Then we can work on the emotions underneath those reactions instead of spending all of our energy trying to control, avoid, or think our way out of them.

So the next time you find yourself thinking, Why is this bothering me so much?, try not to assume you're simply being too sensitive.

Maybe the little thing isn't really the whole story.

Understanding what it's touching underneath can be an important part of finally changing the pattern.