When Being Strong Means Feeling Everything: How Avoiding Emotions Makes Us More Anxious (and What to Do Instead)
“If I start crying, I’ll never stop.”
“I’m just trying to keep it together.”
“I don’t have time to fall apart.”
If you’ve ever had thoughts like these, you’re not alone. I hear them almost daily in my work with clients who feel overwhelmed, burned out, or stuck in cycles of anxiety and emotional fatigue. Many are deeply compassionate, hard-working people who’ve been strong for so long that they’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel safe having emotions at all.
The truth is, emotional strength doesn’t come from avoiding emotions-it comes from learning how to work with them. And ironically, the more we try to suppress or control our emotions, the more anxious and reactive we often become.
Let’s talk about why that happens-and how therapy can help you shift the pattern.
What Is Emotional Avoidance?
Emotional avoidance is when we try to push away, distract from, or shut down uncomfortable feelings. It might look like:
Overthinking or “living in your head”
Constant reassurance-seeking
Staying busy so you don’t have to slow down
People-pleasing to avoid conflict or guilt
Dismissing your needs because someone else “has it worse”
These strategies are understandable-especially if you grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t talked about or were seen as weakness. But over time, they often lead to more distress, not less.
The Hidden Cost of Holding It All In
When we don’t allow ourselves to feel difficult emotions, they don’t just disappear-they go underground. That can lead to:
Persistent anxiety or panic
Physical tension and exhaustion
Irritability, impatience, or emotional numbness
Burnout, shutdown, or even depression
Avoidance gives short-term relief, but long-term it often fuels the very symptoms we’re trying to escape.
In therapy, we work to gently reverse that pattern—not by diving into the deep end of emotional pain, but by building your capacity to experience feelings in a tolerable, manageable way.
Why Feeling Isn’t Failing
Many of us were taught, directly or indirectly, that strong people don’t show emotions. But what if real strength means being able to feel sadness without shutting down? Or anger without lashing out? Or fear without running from it?
In therapy, I help clients understand that emotions are not threats-they’re signals. You don’t have to obey them, but it helps to understand them. Emotions offer valuable information about what matters to you, where your boundaries are, and what you might need.
In approaches like the Unified Protocol (a CBT-based model I use with many clients), we learn that emotions themselves aren’t the problem. The problem is often how we respond to them-especially when avoidance becomes the default.
What Emotional Flexibility Looks Like
Emotional flexibility is the ability to notice your feelings, tolerate them, and respond in ways that align with your values. For example:
You feel anxious about a social event-and you go anyway, because connection matters to you
You feel overwhelmed at work-and instead of numbing out, you take a break, breathe, and set a small boundary
You feel sadness-and rather than distracting immediately, you allow yourself to sit with it for a moment
These are real skills you can build over time. Therapy gives you the tools to do that.
Three (3) Small Practices to Try This Week
Here are a few gentle ways to begin practicing emotional openness—starting right where you are:
Name the Feeling
Pause for a moment and ask, “What am I feeling right now?” Even a one-word answer can begin to shift your relationship with emotion.Stay With It for 30 Seconds
Set a timer. Just notice the feeling without needing to fix, analyze, or change it. Breathe. This is exposure-in the most compassionate way.Try Opposite Action
If your impulse is to avoid, ask yourself: What would I do if I were moving toward the life I want? Then take one small step in that direction.
Final Thoughts: It’s Not About Getting Rid of Emotions-It’s About Getting Better at Having Them
If you’ve spent most of your life avoiding or suppressing emotions, it makes sense that they feel overwhelming. But you don’t have to keep carrying that weight alone.
Therapy isn’t about making your feelings go away-it’s about helping you feel safe experiencing them, so they don’t control you from the sidelines. With the right support, you can learn to stop fighting your feelings and start using them as a guide.
You deserve that kind of peace. And if you're ready, I'm here to help you build it.
-Shawn
